Biography of a good girl

Irina Starovoitov on June 5, a good girl in childhood is a child that you can only “dream” about. She is meek and diligent, never argues and fulfills any requests at the first call. Isn't it true? Then the “good girl” grows up and, around the age of thirty, begins to understand that a stranger lives, not his life. She has an extinct look and total absence of inspiration.

She is constantly tired. More precisely, these “personal items”: her own feelings, desires and needs - she left the train in a tight suitcase in the carriage 25 years ago, who tightly closed and threw her mother or grandmother on the top shelf, turning to her daughter with the words: “A good girl should not protrude herself, and in general, silence - gold!

The train left. Any, even the smallest conflict for an adult "good girl" turns into a global catastrophe. For example, a “bad aunt” came across in front of her and an internal war begins: to keep silent or say? If he says, a skirmish will occur, for which a “good girl” will bite herself for years. I’m in full seriousness-to think and worry for years: “Maybe it was necessary to keep silent or put it differently ...” The poor girl will be tormented and will not even guess-the essence of the problem is that for a “alien aunt” she turned out to be “badly”.

Why is it so important for her? Because her mother, without realizing her herself, wrote to her a subcortex of consciousness: if you are bad, they do not like you. And dislike at a subconscious level means death. This was born for a very long time, when our distant ancestors lived in large communities, because they perfectly understood that one mammoth could not be overwhelmed and not to survive in a wild forest.

Rejection or exile from the tribe was a fatal execution. Over time, this became an instinct that firmly populated in the brain. So, from the first minutes of his life he understands that one will not cope, so he calls for help very loudly. If, in the process of education, parents do not try to convince the daughter that one fact of her presence in this world gives them happiness, if they do not inspire that she is a great fellow, if they do not give her unconditional care, then the girl quickly realizes: love, read life, we need to earn.

So, from infancy, she begins to “plow” to stay in the white world in a circle of loved ones. And to climb out of the skin, so that first mom and dad, grandparents, and then the whole world did not doubt for a moment that she was good and worthy of trampling this mortal land. In general, our thirty -year -old is terribly tormented that will be rejected by the “Alien Aunt” and, as a result, will die.

But, however, I was tormented for a very long time because of this stupid skirmish in line. Well, so I opened. Hello, my name is Irina, I am thirty -four years old and I am a "good girl." I don't know how it happened. But I am glad that I found the root of many of my problems - without psychological help, I would never have thought that he was lying so deeply.

The unexpected discovery that happened to me in the process of digging in themselves: my parents really wished me happiness. I just felt it, so I understood and forgave it. The “good girl” complex has two main symptoms: the inability to refuse people and the lack of their own feelings and desires of the second follows from the first. We cannot say no if they ask for help.

We spend a lot of time and effort on the fulfillment of other people's desires, but there are no more resources on ourselves. Plus modesty and dedication, natural or vaccinated in childhood. Therefore, we absolutely do not know what we want ourselves. And the worst thing is that acquaintances and relatives often begin to use reliability and just sit on the neck. Throwing them to us, “good girls”, is simply unrealistic - it’s scary, how to jump from a cliff.

We understand everything - our survival at the moment does not depend on these people for whom we spray, but they poison life pretty much. But we simply cannot say “no”: the language is numb, and primitive fear makes you nod your head and agree. But we remain "good." On the other hand, for many of us, this mask, behind which we are hiding, is a kind of insurance against all negative.

After all, "good things can happen with good"! By the way, it is precisely this that many mothers who want to grow “right girls” are sacred. We earn advantages in some people to protect ourselves from others. But in fact, this is a self -deception: good girls are the best victims for an abugues of any level, but I have good news. I am not only from the complexes, there is still a character, which, fortunately, is well consistent with my “good girl”.

First, I really like to help people, I enjoy it from the process. True "good girls" rejoice only praise. The second, I, by nature, are a very curious and active person, I can’t sit still. I am interested to try myself in different areas and observe what happens from this. I often say “yes” not only because the language does not turn to say “no”, but I am sincerely interested in doing what they ask me about.In addition, in my life I am lucky: no one was so shamelessly in my neck.

But I probably received the offers of the most diverse, probably, daily. They called everywhere: to play KVN and debate, participate in the Olympiads in history and sports competitions, smoke at school and drink vodka on a bench, organize city events and support opposition rallies, engage in public life at the university and arrange charity events, and I don’t remember much more now.

All this was cool and fun, invaluable experience. From a lot, I really enjoyed. But I did not just go with the flow, I, like an autumn sheet, dangled in the wind in one direction or the other and never checked with the internal compass of my own desires. In the third year of the university, I wanted to become a stewardess. I so clearly felt this desire - it went inside, it was mine, personal, not imposed on anyone.

But at that time I had so many hobbies that fate threw me, which, of course, for my own dream, I did nothing. I am sure that if someone then came up to me and said: “Oh, I also want, come together,” I would do everything to fulfill this desire. Now not only mine, but someone else’s, which is much more important than my own, because I do not know how to do something for myself and is not used to it.

So my bright dream quickly gleamed and forgot. And there is also a problem with money. To remind you of a debt or pay equally in a cafe is unrealistic. In this matter, I sought to be not just good, but to be “the best” - I, of course, “forgot” loans, and in the cafe always paid for myself and “for that guy”, more precisely, for several - as you understand, “good” people always have many “friends”.

But where are they now?

The realization that it was time to take life in their own hands came in the sandbox. After sitting there for two years with an older child, I realized that no one would come here, and I must behave into a happy and interesting life myself. I had to start, study, delve into myself, look for that “suitcase” with their own feelings, desires and needs. This process is long and difficult, but I'm on the way!

Now my daughter is growing. She is two and a half years, and she began a crisis of negativity. This is the best time to learn to say no, which, by the way, is an excellent prevention of “goodness”! As a parent, I identified several points for myself, which, in my opinion, will help not to educate a “good girl”: to calmly respond to “no”, the fear of the refusal is connected with the reaction of the parents when we shouted small ones: “no,”.

Moms and dads may have been very angry when such a shmakodyavka dared to argue with them. It happens that adults are offended, do not talk with a child for a long time or even punish for disagreement. Frankly, I did it too. But when I realized that of the two of us an adult-this is still me, I stopped doing this. My task is to show the child a model of behavior in conflicts and teach my daughter not to blow his lips and be offended, but in a civilized to convey her feelings and desires to the opponent.

This is the only way to agree and find a general solution that will suit everyone. It is very important to react to the child’s negativity calmly: once they agree, but once, explaining his position. For forgetting sexist expressions, we rewind: “Well, you are a girl”, “Good girls don’t behave like that”, “A good girl should ...” and many others. To love, that is, to love, read - pay attention, not for good deeds, but just like that.

Passing by, kiss, hug, say warm words and how much you love her. So at least five times a day. You can more. A great time for unconditional love is in the evening before going to bed. Bonus - the child will calm down and fall asleep faster. An important point is not to forget about unconditional love in critical situations, that is, when a conflict with a daughter arises. Of course, it is necessary to respond to misconduct and poor behavior, but to do it calmly, adequately, without resentment and demonstrative rejection.

You can start a conversation from the words “I love you”, and then tell about the disorder that the walls are now painted with felt -tip pens. Praise the action, not a child on this subject a lot of discussions. I studied different positions and made conclusions for myself. It seems to me that the joyful and conscious “wow, what a beautiful house you drew! There is still a cat on the window?!

For help at home, I thank children and pour a small portion of admiration for the work done: “How cleanly you removed in the room! Look, now we have very beautiful! By the way, the same thing - and with misconduct.